Living with Spasmodic Dysphonia

New Voice for the New Year

2009-01-09T13:16:00.003+09:00

I did well last year with only one injection which I had at the beginning of December 2008 and even that one I could have put off as my voice was not that bad. The major factors contributing to my better voice have been a more acute awareness of feelings within the physical and mental realms of my body.

I think the release of anger has a significant part to play in maintaining a good voice. The reason I say this is that anger arose a few times in the last month and it was like an unwelcome old friend ... it reminded me of how this old friend reared its head often prior to the last 12 months. This could be the key to a better voice, do not hold onto anger, let it go! I'll work on resolving this unwanted feeling should it arise again.

It was fortuitous that I came across, in a second hand bookshop, 'The Journey' by Brandon Bays just a couple of weeks ago, all the other books were neatly stacked but this one was on its side ready to be taken. An excellent read. This book was like a pointer indicating that indeed holding onto unwanted feelings can cause dis-ease.

Having my good voice again is SOooo wonderful. The first thing that friends say is how good it is sounding, that's reassuring but the best thing is the ease and freedom in conversing whenever I want to. I am so grateful to my neurologist for his exceptional skill in performing the Botox procedure, I am in and out of the clinic within minutes however I may never need to see him again.

My Voice Months Later

2008-08-17T17:59:00.003+08:00

I really am learning to manage my voice since I have noticed that I dont think twice about engaging in conversation anymore. Sure, sometimes my voice doesn't sound as good as at other times but I know that it can be better if I relax and am in the right frame of mind. Managing stress I think has a lot to do with it as well as getting a good nights sleep.

My challenge this week is to be fully focused as our dearly loved pet Schnauzer of thirteen years was put to rest yesterday having suddenly become sick. It was cancer of the stomach and the poor little fellow just didn't have a chance. So the family all gathered at his side at the hospital to be with him in his last moments. He will be missed.

IT HAS BEEN A WHILE

2008-05-13T19:05:00.003+08:00

It is six months since my Botox injection and I am beginning to suspect that it is indeed the mind that plays a big part in how my voice sounds. At four months it was only when I started thinking about the length of time since the last injection that gradually then I noticed difficulty in speaking in noisy environments such as in a restaurant or car. Had I prompted the thought that the Botox would be wearing off? I have become watchful of the thoughts that enter my mind!

There are a few occasions when my voice feels strained but more often than not I enjoy being able to say what I want when I want! I am very pleased with my voice! There is greater power in being positive than remaining at the mercy of the medical profession who still do not know the cause of SD. I refuse to accept that I have no control over my voice. I know that getting a good night sleep is important as well as avoiding stressful situations - be kind to yourself!

I began blogging during my Christmas holiday and when I see how little I’ve blogged over the months I can see how consuming work has become but I must admit that a good deal of time has also been devoted to my spiritual growth by listening to the Eckhart Tolle and Oprah Winfrey - A New Earth worlds biggest classroom series at www.oprah.com .

Avoiding Thoughts

2008-03-13T20:37:00.007+09:00

Where to start? It is difficult to blog without giving it thought, but some thoughts have arisen that need to be purged. The other night I took my laptop out of my study where it always sits on the desk, so that my partner and I could watch the Eckhardt Tolle chapter 2 of A New Earth in the comfort of our lounge room. Because of the time difference I miss out on sitting in the worlds biggest classroom for the live broadcast of this event but having the recorded version is almost as good.

Half way through the session my laptop shut down because it wasn't plugged into a power source, it was quite late anyway so I was happy to go to bed. Taking the laptop off my lap and lifting it up I noticed how heavy it was, therefore rather than think it, I said,"this laptop is so heavy". Having been in a relaxed state I was very aware of its weight and the impact of lifting it especially since it is something that I rarely do.

Here is the issue that I need to put to rest - my partner immediately exclaimed, "there you go moaning again!". I told him the truth, that I was simpy stating what I felt, but he just didn't accept it, he said I am always complaining about something. While I was brushing my teeth this previous intereaction was consuming my mind so I came back to the loungeroom to sort it out. I asked why he thought I was moaning when I told him that it was not my intention to do so. His answer was that it was the tone of my voice that said it all.

Here lies the problem, does that mean that whenever I speak, he misinteprets my message and he possibly thinks I am moaning, unhappy, or criticising? Is that why he is unhappy a lot of the time .... because he thinks I am being negative? This is typical of the sort of thing you read about in Men are from Mars Women are from Venus.

It is not my intention to make anyone unhappy! I ask myself - "when you realise that there is a misunderstanding and you attempt to clarify it, what is stopping the other person from accepting the truth?" I would like to just BE and not think about all this but my dilema is that I may be causing suffering? Aha, I am creating my own suffering by thinking about this and since it is in the past it does not matter and if he thinks I am negative, that is his problem. Sounds good to me; enough thinking!

By the way my little goldfish have passed away, Tom died last week and Timmy died this morning. It has been quite remarkable how all the fish that I've had (about 6 in a year), have said good bye just before leaving this creation. This morning Timmy was at the bottom of the tank and he made an effort twice to rise when I came near, then he sank for the last time. Last week after I entered the room, Tom swam closest to where I was standing and then he died ... and so it has been with the other fish, they made there presence felt as a final departing gesture. They were so beautiful!

Still on the Planet

2008-03-02T17:26:00.003+09:00

It has been a few weeks since my last blog but I have been preoccupied with digesting Eckhart Tolle's The New Earth and The Power of Now. Somehow I coud not bring myself to write anything ... the thought of blogging became a hindrance. I so much enjoy reading these books, it is like a confirmation of things that I have always known but kept to myself. I am delighted that there is indeed an awakening happening world wide. Next week the study of Tolle's, The New Earth in Oprah's largest classroom (http://www.oprah.com/)
takes place and unfortunately I will miss out as I will be at work:(

Something that came to mind when reading Tolle's 'The New Earth'.... early in my marriage, my partner asked what thoughts I had in my head and I replied that I wasn't aware of any. At that stage I wondered if there was something wrong with me; wanting to be normal, I started thinking about stuff. Conversations started in my head, I became aware of a voice and internal dialogue that over the years has become intrusive chatter. The only time prior to this that I was aware of a voice was when I was being creative, making things, drawing, painting, sewing etc. the voice was in the form of guidance. Thanks to Tolle I am aware again that the chatter is unnecessary.

These moments of creativity were and are always so joyful. It is true that when the chatter ceases there is a sense of timelessness, it is in that state when everything of the world ceases to exist and I am connected to .....(something that words cannot describe) and from that creativity arises. When people ask me how I came up with an idea, I cannot take credit because it just emerged out of the ether.

Today my dear insightlful friend Shipwreck, who has no trouble connecting with creativity(http://www.shipwrecksblog.com/) has a mention in the widely read magazine in the Sunday paper, as a cyber loveblogger and I will eagerly watch the developments as his creativity as a writer continues to blossom. I will also encourage him to read Tolle's books in order that his ego does not get the better of him.

Weird

2008-02-13T22:11:00.003+09:00

Not a good sleep last night, I kept waking up thinking it was morning but then would realise that the words 'pain-body' were going through my head and I would fall asleep again. For those of you who have read Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth you would be familiar with the term. It's an accumulation of negative energy, anger, resentment, all that horrible stuff from the past or even from the present that you carry with you through life.

I was very aware of my pain-body (if that is what it is called) throughout the day; I was grumpy on the inside, maybe angry is a better word. The feeling of anger came up so many times for stupid little reasons that would not normally bother me eg not being able to find where I put my pen in amongst all my papers and books or being angry that I had to clean up after students (I didn't have to, I could have left it, but the funny thing this doesn't normally bother me, I would just do it and think nothing of it), the entire day was like that. I was also very deeply sad being reminded of what had happened to the stolen generation, as I heard accounts of the terrible things that these people endured, I wept for their loss and suffering. It has been quite a day!

So Grateful To One Of My Readers

2008-02-11T21:59:00.000+09:00

I am so grateful to one of my blog readers who has directed my attention to Eckhart Tolle's book 'A New Earth' as well as a world wide online classroom with the author and Oprah Winfrey to study the book. Tolle says that "the book's purpose is to bring about a shift of consciousness, to awaken"(page 6). I am so ready for this book, its exactly what I've always been interested in.

I am half way through the book and identify with everything written. Bizarre, I know, but I can feel the shift already taking place. This morning I awoke with an awareness of the life force in my body, very strange the way it happened, it was like ... like tingling but not as intense', I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep for another little while, I awoke again even more curious this time because the feeling was there again, so totally consuming, from head to toe. I wondered whether my body was telling me to get up.

During the day it was interesting observing a number of times when my ego was being active. For example I had a class of year 8 students whom I had only seen for the second time and I made a point of learning all 19 names (one girl was absent) during the lesson. I had learnt the names of the other year 8 class in the first lesson. When our assistant came in to the room after today's lesson, feeling proud I told her about how I had learnt their names, then the ego took full swing and started telling her about the other day as well. Funny thing is that I sensed what was happening, that my ego was thriving on this but I still needed to finish what I was saying. With that awareness I no longer felt proud.

Anyway back to relationships, my partner is talking to me again and I dont think that the previous problem had much to do with me. I think ego and his pain-body (page 151 A New Earth) is responsible. He really needs to read this book by Tolle but I know that if it comes from me then he definately wont read it. Meanwhile I am still taking great pleasure in using my voice; one of the biggest delights which I have mentioned before is being able to order food over a huge display cabinet at the noisy supermarket and be heard and understood easily.

If you go to the following site you can find out about the world's biggest classroom and 'A New Earth' by Eckhart Tolle.
http://www.oprah.com/

Sounding So Good

2008-02-09T10:10:00.000+09:00

I spoke with my mum this morning and noticed that the volume of my voice is sounding really strong without making any effort. Yay, it is so encouraging especially considering I am experiencing an emotional problem with my partner at present.

It is just the usual men are from Mars women are from Venus stuff, I say things that he interprets as criticism! So last night we went to a lovely little restaurant and were enjoying an excellent meal and having what I thought was a good discussion ( something that doesn't happen as often as it used to, since the kids have left home) about the course he had attended that day, and then suddenly he said he didn't like what I had said when we went for a walk a few days previous.

I was all ears wanting to know what it was I had said that had offended him but rather than go down that path he poured out heaps of personal criticism. He didn't want to hear anything that I said and insisted that I was not listening to him. It was futile so we left the restaurant and hardly spoke all the way home. I did say to him in the car that I could see that he was not happy. He hasn't spoken to me since nor did he sleep in the same room! Very odd really! He doesn't usually behave like this, the usual is to rant and rave, be demonstrative and then let it blow over or have a heart to heart discussion a few days later.

Grateful

2008-02-07T16:43:00.000+09:00

I am back at work for the year and am delighted at the quality of the sound of my voice as I have been using it constantly in the classroom for the last four days. Not velevety smooth like I would love to have but nevertheless it is wonderful to be able to speak what I am thinking without having to edit the sentences before opening my mouth for fear that the sound will not come out as intended. If anything when I speak sometimes the volume comes out greater than intended, I think because it is a learned/conditioned response to how I used to speak prior to the Botox injection ie with a lot of effort when the spasmodic dysphonia was bad. I have also become more aware of the volume of those who speak to me, often it seems to be very soft and gentle, this is a good reminder to vary the pitch and volume of my voice.

I finished reading the Healing Back Pain book by Dr Sarno and have taken his theories on board and hope that I won't need to return for another Botox injection. Time will tell. Meanwhile I am training myself to be a witness ie aware of any situation that causes me to be tense, angry, anxious or negative. In doing so my aim is to reduce suppressed negative feelings, hence improve the health of my voice. Anyone reading this may think that I am a negative person, deep down perhaps but I see myself as being usually highly positive and cheerful. With the right attitude I am sure that anything is possible.

Voice is Good

2008-01-28T12:35:00.000+09:00

Since all my attention has been focused on psychological reasons for suppression of anger and other manifestations of TMS such as my tinnitus, I have realised that the quality of my voice is quite reasonable. This could be attributed of course to the Botox injection last December.

Being aware of what triggers an emotional response of anger albeit that it is just internal ie within the mind, is worth remembering because rather than let it slip into the subconscious where it can fester it may be possible nip the problem in the bud.

I contacted a friend today who has recently had treatment on her spine for debilitating backache that she has had for years. This new treatment was meant to be a godsend, however this has not been the case. I was not surprised when she informed of additional pain and pins and needles in areas where she'd never had pain before. Her story word for word, sounded just like it was out of Dr Sarno's Healing Back Pain book, needless to say I had recommended she read the book prior to having the surgical procedure. Today I reminded her of the book and she said she'd read it.

I wonder what other wonderful books are out there on mind-body connection and what research is being done?

The Healing Back Pain Book

2008-01-26T11:12:00.000+09:00

Since reading Dr Sarno's books (I'm half way through the Healing Back Pain book) I've had headache, backache, neckache, sciatica ... very odd really since these are things that I rarely experience. (I'm busy telling my brain to deal with suppressed anger and that I no longer need spasmodic dysphonia and tinnitus.) I did go paddling in a canoe the other morning but the last time I went, I didn't have any of these symptoms. No doubt my brain is being challenged by what I've been reading and it is trying to tell me something. There must be some validity to Dr Sarno's theory of Tension Myositis Syndrome. What an interesting area of research and study.

When you think about it, we all have the ability to become deeply aware of what our brain is telling us to do, the emotions and feelings we experience and how they impact our body hence life. So many other things come into play that lead to distraction and throw us off the track of being in tune with our body.

The main thing that I have picked up from the books is that we need to learn how to deal with our fear, angry and resentment and not suppress it. It seems to be that this suppression into the subconscious is where the problems begin to fester.

Getting Your Voice Going

2008-01-24T09:50:00.000+09:00

How many people do not actually speak to anyone until well into the day? That's me at the moment while on holiday! So far I have only said good morning and is hot outside? Maybe I don't feel like speaking but quite often the opportunity doesn't arise and when it does, I wonder what my voice is going to sound like! My partner has gone to work so now I am alone except for the dog - who unfortunately is not permitted in the house (not my rule!) and it is far too hot outside to be there out there with him.

If you are living alone there would times when you do not speak to anyone for hours, may be days at a time. For someone with SD this could be tricky as most people are not inclined to speak out aloud to themselves in order to hear their voice and phoning someone for conversation is not an option for the SD challenged. What would you do! This could be a bit of a concern if you are not sure how your voice is sounding from day to day. There have been times when my partner has been out of the country and I have not spoken to anyone prior to going to work and I do remember sitting in the car on the way to work wondering about the condition my voice and not wanting to look stupid talking to myself but at the same time very curious about how my voice is sounding?

I suppose a good solution to the problem of not having someone to speak to at home would be to have a pet that you can talk to. It is far easier talking to a dog or cat than a fish I must say. My two goldfish look like they are trying to talk "feed me, feed me" and I reply with 'you've had enough' but that is the extent of the conversation. However depending on the frequency and strength of the tail wag of a dog, you can come up with all sorts of things to say. Actually you can't beat having a pet, good for the heart, good for the soul and good for the voice. I often think about the fact that the word DOG spells GOD backwards. Is there a message there?

Limitations of Past Incidents

2008-01-21T12:13:00.000+09:00

Going back to childhood and memories of using my voice I wonder if various incidents have psychologically contributed to my SD. For example on many occassions when I was young and I contributed a comment about an issue, my mother God bless her, would invariably say "what would you know?" and of course being young, I accepted that she must know best and that I didn't know much at all. However I do remember at times feeling hurt and embaressed that I had spoken. (Now that this comes to mind I will use EFT to release these feelings.)

Looking back I can see that this attitude I adopted, of doubting my intelligence has been limiting. Even in conversation today, I am reluctant to say anything, not just because of my SD but because there is some fear of whether my words will be accepted or rejected. I don't doubt my intellegence because I achieved high grades academically and I have an excellent job but there is something about myself that I do doubt. Maybe when I work this out then my SD will disappear!

Something That I Once Tried

2008-01-19T13:31:00.000+09:00

Last year I read Dr Morton Cooper's book 'Change Your Voice, Change Your Life' and I was really excited about the prospect of it working however like dieting I guess it only works if you keep at it. What is needed is strong self discipline, a regulare routine for practice and a coach to give you support, enouragement and an unbiased ear.

A special person did offer to be my coach, his nick name is Shipwreck but because he was so busy running a business and tending to other peoples needs he wasn't able to be there every day. Shipwreck did the introductory EFT course with me and another friend a few years back. Among the many things that he is involved with he now has his own very popular blog called Shipwrecks Guide To Understanding Men. http://www.shipwrecksblog.com/

Lifes Trials and Tribulations

2008-01-18T14:11:00.000+09:00

Ecstatic to be shown where the navigation buttons are on my new phone I then went back to the manual to see why I missed seeing it. The reason is simple, the diagram is too small and the arrow does not actually point to the part that needs to be pressed. I thought I would do Nokia a favour and submit a customer response and suggestion for their manual however I was not able to locate the appropriate contact on their website. Meanwhile my new voice is sounding fine, not as strong as it should be as yet but I'm getting there.

In Touch With Anger

2008-01-17T11:57:00.000+09:00

There is no problem getting in touch with anger when you (at my age ie not being a teenager) have to learn how to use a new mobile phone. The function keys are in different places, the manual doesn't have easy to follow illustrations, in fact hardly any illustrations.

I usually enjoy solving puzzles but this one has confounded me and I am ready to throw the phone in the bin. I thought an easy way to learn would be to look at a demo on the web, how simple would that be and what a good idea except when I go there, the demo is not working, I am redirected to Nokia's home page. Grrrrh!

It should be a requirement of shop assistants to step you through the basics, something I should have insisted on except I thought that it would be easy enough to work out such as with the Panasonic I had previously. Making use of the emotions attached to this mornings efforts, I have been using EFT to get in touch with the anger, there was plenty of it. I've given up trying to navigate my way around the new phone so I just thank God my son is coming to the rescue as soon as he gets home.

Meanwhile I received an email from a friend with exciting news. Again coincidence comes into play as it relates to EFT. She and I attended an EFT course last year and have since kept in touch just once; today she wrote to me about a man she met who had a paralysing fear of heights and how she used the Emotional Freedom Technique on him. Within 20 minutes his fear had gone and he was subsequently able to climb a tower with his son and now plans to climb the Harbour Bridge.

Coincidence Again

2008-01-16T18:29:00.000+09:00

In an effort to rid myself of Spasmodic Dysphonia I've started the EFT again especially after listening to a recording of a segment of the Carol Look show, when she was interviewing Mike Dooley. I stumbled across it while checking out the details of Mike Dooley's second world tour. Quite surprisingly, in between interview segments there was promotional blurb about EFT. Prior to this I've only ever seen advertisements in a holistic paper called Nova and it was only a few days ago that I decided to revisit Emotional Field Therapy. Hearing the interview has also reaffirmed my need to focus on thoughts.

Still working with Dr Sarno's theory in mind, that anger and rage are suppressed, I am addressing the physical manifestations of that anger/rage and that is not only the SD but the tinnitus (ringing in the ears) that I've had for a number of years ... I think this is just another trick the brain is playing on diverting my attention. As I have been focusing on the ringing, one of my ears has become blocked. I feel like I have entered a labyrinth ... what an adventure!

This links you to the Carol Look & Mike Dooley interview - www.tut.com/wrldt2.htm . http://www.carollook.com/

Monsters & Coincidence

2008-01-15T17:39:00.000+09:00

This is a mighty coincidence. Being a TUT Adventurer I receive daily words of motivation from Mike Dooley of www.tut.com ... (Totally Unique Thoughts)from the other side of the world. What is special about the words I received toay? Well last night I had a nightmare, like headaches, again something that I very rarely have. In the nightmare I could see a host of just monsters heads with teeth gnashing, coming towards me, I opened my eyes and I could still see them and then I screamed.

My dream is my lovely sounding voice and having read Dr Sarno's TMS theory, I believe it is possible!

This is what was emailed to me today ...

The Evolution of a Dream

Dream is implanted into brain.

Dreamer becomes thrilled.

Dreamer becomes terrified.

If no action is taken, terrifying thoughts grow into flesh-eating monsters. Dream is considered unrealistic.

If action is taken, terrifying thoughts are revealed to be paper tigers. Confidence soars, miracles unfold, and dreamer begins to saunter.

Either way, nothing remains the same. http://www.tut.com/

Getting Rid of SD

2008-01-14T18:50:00.000+09:00

In an attempt to lose my spasmodic dysphonia I've finished reading Dr Sarno's, (http://www.healingbackpain.com/) book the Mindbody Prescription and I am awaiting the delivery of his Healing Back Pain book. For those of you who have read his books it would come as no surprise that since I started reading the book I have had a headache, something that I rarely get - once a year, if that! It appears to be confirmation that I have TMS. I do believe in Dr Sarno's Tension Myositis Syndrome and the resultant ill effects that we create for ourselves. It comes as no surprise since intuitively I have always believed that we are responsible for what we create in our lives ie thoughts become things.

With confirmation of my beliefs, I will now pursue Emotional Field Therapy http://www.integrative-clearing.com.au
on a regular basis in order to rid myself of emotional baggage. It is empowering to be able to use EFT whenever I want!

Lots of Use

2008-01-13T14:41:00.000+09:00

Being on holiday and catching up with friends has been quite a marathon for my voice. Actually, I feel like I have been using my voice more than I do at teaching. I do wonder whether I should be resting it although it is just FANTASTIC to have my voice back again and join the conversations as well as initiate conversations.

When the SD progresses the tendency becomes, that the individual withdraws from society. Sometimes it is to avoid embaressment since the sound produced by the spasmodic vocal chords is erratic and at other times it is just that speaking requires so much effort. I know that in such situations I have often in the past saved my voice for when I really needed it. The problem with this becomes that people think that you are avoiding them or being 'stuck up' ie. anti-social.

Noise in Public Places

2008-01-12T14:21:00.000+09:00

Last night we had dinner and drinks at my partner's favourite venue near the harbour, it is a boutique brewery that is always lively and bustling, full of atmosphere. For someone with spasmodic dysphonia it is the last place one earth that you would want to go for a fun evening out! When I agree to go, I just accept that I will not be able to contribute much to the conversation.

Last night I thought that since my voice is getting stronger that this would be a good test to see how it is going. WRONG! Not a good test at all, I found it quite a strain; I am not sure if it was a learned/conditioned response from the previous times or what it was, I just know that I struggled to make myself audible and the whole experience for me was quite unpleasant. The others had a wonderful time, especially since I was the skipper, which enabled them to drink since I was driving.

Some people with SD have said that having a few drinks helps their voice, well I cannot say that this works for me so the one drink I had last night was quite sufficient and I just sat back and listened throught the din as best as I could.

What I have Learnt So Far!

2008-01-10T14:59:00.000+09:00

This is a leisurely day, being on holiday I just thought that I'd read a few pages of Dr Sarno's book 'Mindbody Prescription' before doing some light domestic chores or am I procratinating? However I am finding it difficult to put the book down . I have just come across a significant statement and that is ... symptoms serve a purpose. If you the remove the symptom without dealing with the cause then your brain will just substitute it with another disorder! I don't want that to happen to me; apart from my dodgy voice I am very fit and healthy and intend to stay that way!

This brings me to Botox which by and large according to my poll so far successfully alleviates SD for up to 6 months, for 50% of those who have had Botox injections. It treats the symptom. My belief is that those people with Spasmodic dysphonia or indeed any debilitating condition need to look deep within to shed light on the underlying cause of their condition, pain or suffering. Off to do the ironing and to think about all I have learnt so far and to start shedding light on my condition:)

Why Does It Happen?

2008-01-09T11:23:00.000+09:00

I am told that the medical profession do not know the cause of SD. I am a firm believer in 'thoughts create things' and I am sure that deep down we are all responsible for the situations and medical conditions that afflict us. My speech pathologist and doctor assure me that I am not responsible and I accept that I am not consciously creating the SD condition however the condition has arisen from somewhere! I haven't had a chance to start reading Dr Sarno's book on 'mindbody connection' however I think from what little I have read from the backcover that I agree with his beliefs.

Yesterday I was accidently locked out of the house by my partner, he was going off to a meeting and I was out the back sweeping the leaves. He opened the back door to say goodbye but he locked it as well as the laundry door, therefore I couldn't get back into the house. This was at approx. 9.45am, I had a lunch engagement at 12.30, north of the city. Our house is totally closed off at the back and no neighbours within earshot. I did have access to the garage but the garage door was closed. Luckily a few weeks ago when the garage repair man came I watched him working on the mechanism and I asked him about the switch on the motor that opens the door. There I was in the dim garage (the light switch is on the inside) looking for something to stand on so that I could reach the switch, I pressed it and presto the door opened. Now the front door was open because we have a separate access to the home office upstairs, where I discovered one of our employees was working and then at least I was able to use the phone. I called my partner who said he wouldn't be back for another 45 minutes, so I just had to wait. He returned over an hour later with no apology! I was an hour late for lunch with my friend.

I put the time to good use by watering the plants, cleaning the car and then washing the office floor. I had intended to use these couple of hours to clean up the house in preparation for entertaining guests for dinner. The day ended up being a little stressful.

I gave the situation some thought and found that I was really angry deep down but I just didn't say anything when my partner arrived home, I didn't know what to say! I would rather avoid conflict I think. What made me angry was that if I had been the one to lock my partner in, then that would have been a different matter, I would not have heard the end of it. Do these repressed emotions contribute to spasmodic dysphonia?

Using my Voice

2008-01-07T16:59:00.000+09:00

Years ago when I was first diagnosed with SD and researching vocal dystonia trying to learn as much as I could, I kept coming across in depth medical sites on the internet that I found difficult to understand because of the language, the information looked like it was for written for the medical profession. However a site that I came across recently which is particularly good for the lay person just learning about SD is http://www.voiceandswallowing.com/Voicedisorders_spasd.htm; it is easy to read and not too technical yet it is informative.

My voice is sounding quite good but still not as good as I expect it will get within the next couple of weeks however I am enjoying it none the less. Walking along the beach yesterday a young boy began talking to me about my dog since he was also walking a schnauser, but his was a pup. It struck me how lovely it is to be uninhibited and engage in conversation so readily and effortlessly; something that I miss when my voice is not working as it should. Also, what a delightful young boy, he was probably about 12 years of age and carried on the conversation as if he had known me for years, we walked side by side, behind I assume his parents and chatted as if we were old friends. I was so thankful to be able to experience the freedom of expression again and for the pleasure of his company.

You Don't Know What You've Got Until It's Gone!

2008-01-06T18:15:00.000+09:00

The sound of people's voices can be like music to my ears. My partner has a lovely deep, mellow voice with a bit of an Irish accent. I delight in listening to male and female radio announcers who use the English language well and I choose to listen to the ones who have a melodic smooth sounding voice. I find it just as pleasurable listening to their voice as to the music they play. Sometimes I feel that I can hear the start of spasmodic dysphonia in news readers on the radio or television and wonder whether it really is what I think it is. Only when your own voice is not the best do you focus more acutely on all voices.

One day I listened to a recorded message on my phone and the image that I had of the person was of someone my age or even older and I wondered whether the lady had a problem with her voice, it was sounding thin and a little crackly. To my utter surprise when I met the lady she was only in her twenties and her voice was nothing like it was over the phone.